London is to get a new one-product cafe shortly, joining the growing trend typified by the owl cafe, the porridge cafe, the cat cafe, the pancake cafe, or the cereal cafe.

Two cornish men who tired of surfing the waves and turned to surfing the internet at a Shoreditch start-up have declared their intentions to go beyond what they call the media hyped complexity of the one-product concept store.

They are starting up what they say will be first ever cafe that will specialise in just one specialty bean coffee to be served in a specially designed pop-up cafe.

Where other one-product cafes have stuck to a single genre, but then baffled customers with a bewildering array of cereals or porridges, the Cff Cf (adopting the internet trend of dropping vowels) will offer just a single blend of coffee which was hand selected by the two owners following back-packing trip through Indonesia.

When asked why they had chosen the blend, Joseph Arbuthnot said that they were inspired by the hard working farmers who still hand-pick the berries and dry them in the villages and then take them down the mountain paths to the local river where tradesmen ferry the dried coffee beans to market.

His partner, Sebastian St John Smythe added that nothing could act as a greater exemplar of their ethos as former computer programmers than the purity of how the natives worked the soil for a living.

Dismissive of how other coffee shops clutter up their offerings with different blends and roasts, and a confusion of styles, the two young men noted that the coffee would be served plain, without milk or sugar, as those were a distraction from the absolute essence of the single blend single product coffee shop.


Even the cups will be made from the crushed remains of the coffee blends to ensure that nothing sullies the hipster yearning for an absolutely simplicity, delivered in the most complex of methods.

The Cff Cf will be opening shortly, on a wasteland patch near Shoreditch high street.

The question is, will this article remain a parody, or is it a prediction?


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  1. Kit Green says:

    As soon as I read “Sebastian St John Smythe” I knew it must be a parody. The rest was unbelievably believable.

  2. Fede says:

    you got me. All the way to the last bit. Perfectly believable. Even the name.

  3. Paul O'Connor says:

    Love it, great job Ian.

    That sums up trustafarians using Mater and Pater’s money to indulge ridiculous vanity projects that contributes sod all to the London economy

  4. Andrew says:

    Had to check the date – should have saved this for 1 April!

  5. LadyBracknell says:

    We are talking Shoreditch here. Nothing would surprise me. I must visit the cat cafe, although I would have to confine myself to drinking only.

  6. Litigator says:

    Although such hipster establishments are a fad which most of us love to hate, just think – in 100 years when a future London-history obsessed blogger/researcher learns of places such as the cat and cereal cafes, it will be fascinating.

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