Walking down the road, they stand out a mile. Easy to spot, the swinger is a subversive threat to the social order of the country.

You know who you are – walking along swinging your arms like a set of helicopter blades, determined to force everyone around you to observe the 2 feet radius to avoid being slapped by your pounding action as we try to squeeze past on the pavements.

The pummel – You charge along the road dealing heavy stomps on the pavement as to punish it for existing while thrusting your arms out with elbows locked and hands in fists. Anyone who gets too close will feel they accidentally stepped into a boxing ring for a few moments.

The dainty – You saunter along with a long cigarette held out at a perfect 90 degree angle to your body and slowly majestically swing your heat tipped arms. You are the Scythed Chariot of the pedestrian world.

The water carrier – you walk along slowly and deliberately. Arms are held out from the body by as much as a foot, as if you are carrying heavy water buckets. People who get too close may get invisible water splashed all over their clothes.

The steam engine – you walk along with arms held perfectly stern girder like rigidity. Swinging sharply up and down with a fixed routine, you managed to impress an engineer.

The elbows – you don’t actually swing your arms as it would be too much effort – but do walk with hands in pockets and elbows jutting out like two large triangles. Attempts to play a musical tune on the triangle will typically be met with a “ear, whar is you doin, innit”

The important person – you are actually the janitor, but nothing makes you feel quite so good as walking along swinging a heavy collection of keys. With the deafening clatter of keys heralding your passage along the pavement you actually drowned out the noise of the ambulance that was trying to save someone’s life.

The conversationalist – one arm used to hold a mobile phone firmly to the head, the other arm is used to gesticulate wildly to everyone about how you feel. Everyone that is except the person you are talking to, who can’t see the carnage you leave in your wake.

Any more?

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3 Comments

  1. Steve

    The Blocker – The one who decides the best place to stop suddenly to check their shoes/ look in their handbag etc. is at the point where the pavement becomes it’s narrowest, usually between scaffolding and a wastebin, totally regardless that anyone else might want to pass them.

  2. I’m so impatient with people like that – particularly as Steve says, the Blockers, who seem to be American or Japanese tourists most of the time…

  3. John

    The Meanderer – he who walks slowly down the centre of the pavement, veering to the right when you try to overtake on the right, and then veering to the left when you try to overtake on the left.

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